Twilight Torture
by sock monkeys
Summary: Different Twilight characters torture each other. Crack fic, something to make you laugh at 1am. Got it? Don't like, don't read. Rated for occasional "language". OMC I just updated for the first time in one billion years!
1. Jacob vs Sam

**Okay, so apparently my muse is dead and I need to kick it and wake it up again. So I'm writing yet another Fic, just for fun. That, and I figured we need a bit of sock monkey Twilight. This takes place in whenever I want it to, so if I want it to be like New Moon never happened, fine. But I will have all the characters that are alive (so to speak) at the end of Breaking Dawn. I know it's confusing but I don't really care. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Seriously people, does my writing style seem at ALL like Stephenie Meyer's? C'mon now, use your heads**

**Chapter 1, Jacob vs. Sam**

**JPOV**

Gods, it's so _boring_ with the pack being all, "We have to protect our land from invading vampires" and such. I need a really good way to mess with all of them.

Especially Sam.

He seriously needs to loosen up.

His wolf undies are too much of puppy thongs for him.

Well then, I guess I'm gonna have to fix that for them. _All_ of them. And I know the perfect person to help me with that. So, I went to the Cullen's house and knocked on the front door. Alice answered.

"Jacob?" She asked, "What are you doing here?"

"Nice to see you too Alice," I muttered, "Where's Nessie?"

Alice sighed. That was usually the first question I asked when I came over. But hey, it's not like I could really help it. She _was_ my soul-mate after all.

Shaking her head, Alice responded, "She's out hunting with her parents."

"Oh." Was my only reply. They went hunting without me? But why? Then I remembered the real reason I came over, for help. "Yo Alice, can you help me?"

"Do what? Buy the perfect toy for Nessie?" She asked sarcastically.

I glared at her. "No," I said, crossing my arms, "I need help with..." I glanced around, hoping that none of the wolves could here me, "With torturing the pack."

Her eyes seemed to light up at my words. "Sure!" She cried, "Whatcha need?"

"A really, and I mean _really_, good idea."

Alice thought for about two seconds, probably a long time for a vampire, and then an evil grin spread across her face. "Do your wolf friends know how to play _The Game_?"

"The...what?"

"The Game. One of the most evilest things on the planet. Once you get sucked into the vortex, you can never come out." I had an eyebrow raised, so she explained, "Y'know, the one where you can't think of The Game or you've lost The Game?"

My eyes lit up. _That_ game, the one where you can lose just by thinking about it. It was already taught to all of my pack brothers (Leah doesn't count sometimes) and I immediately had the best idea on how to use it.

_Later..._

I ran, half-naked, to where a good place to phase was in the forest. Without stopping, I took off my pants (And no, to all of you who are probably wondering, we _don't_ wear underwear. Which is unfortunate when our fly's are down...) and phased. Then the voices came.

_Hey, Jacob! _Seth cried with enthusiasm.

Without even planning on it, I immediately thought, _I lost the game._

Within seconds, every wolf was thinking, _I lost the game,_ over and over and over and over. It went on for about – oh I dunno, two and a half minutes maybe? - until we all felt Sam leave us. Which meant that he had phased and I was in _trouble_. After about another fifteen seconds of, _I lost the game_, we all phased back into our human selves and met in a clearing.

"Jacob," Sam growled.

I swallowed nervously, "Yeah?" I asked in a shaky voice.

"You. Are. In. Trouble."

Just then Seth bounded in front of me. "Leave him alone Sam," he warned, "All he was doing was trying to," he snickered.

Sam growled menacingly, his Alpha growl. "_What_?" he hissed. I heard Quil whisper to Embry, "He sounds just like a bloodsucker when he does that."

"Well, he, um," Seth was still trying not to burst out laughing while he attempted to tell Sam what I was thinking a while back. "Uh..."

"I was just thinking," I butt in, "How you needed to, uh..."

"Fix your puppy thongs." Quil cut in. The whole pack, except for Sam, burst out laughing.

His gaze was locked on mine. "Dead." He growled.

And here I am today, stuck at home for a week outside, tied to a post like a puppy dog. But dang, it was worth it. I hear that Seth still sometimes does what I did, but I can't say for sure. And even though I'm tied to a post and getting made fun of by all the other kids,

It.

Was.

Worth it.

Hell yeah.

**And that's the end of that chapter. Yay! Jakie torments his pack, just like I've always wanted him to! So, what'd you guys think? Is my muse awake yet? Or does it need kicking still (feel free to join in)?**

**Clicky the purple button at the bottom.**

**Clicky!**


	2. Nessie vs Charlie

**Yay! Second chapter! Apparently my muse is still dead, so I'm updating. Wait...that doesn't make any sense. Oh well.**

**Disclaimer: Alright, that's it. From now on, if you don't see a disclaimer any more it's 'cause I already put one RIGHT HERE! Oh, well, I don't own Charlie the Unicorn, so that's new and I kinda hafta put it up...**

**Nessie vs. Charlie**

**NPOV**

This is no fair. Jacob, mommy _and_ daddy are all busy today and I have to stay here at Grandpa Charlie's house. None of my other family wanted to play with me today either, Alice and Rosie are shopping, Uncle Emm and Jazzie are shooting each other and I couldn't find Grandma or my other Grandpa. So I'm stuck with boring Charlie. Again.

Why me?

Then I remembered a funny video Uncle Emm showed me a while back. It had three unicorns in it and mommy thought it was okay, until at the end when one unicorn got an organ cut out. She hit Uncle Emm really hard.

So, I decided to sneak over to where Charlie was sleeping on the couch and poke his nose.

"Hey Charlie. Hey, Charlie wake up." He snored in his sleep. "Charlie you silly sleepyhead, wake up."

Charlie groaned and opened his eyes. "Oh, hey Nessie. Sorry, did I fall asleep?" I nodded a couple of times, "Well, sorry about that. What's up?"

I smiled evilly to myself and said, "I found a map to Candy Mountain. Candy Mountain Charlie! I'm going to Candy Mountain. Come with me Charlie, come with me to Candy Mountain!" He didn't seem very convinced with my speech, "It'll be an adventure, I'm going on an adventure!" I put my hand to his face and showed him a picture of Candy Mountain.

Charlie sighed. "Yeah, Candy Mountain, right. Aren't you a little..." he paused, looking for the right word, "Over-developed for Candy Mountain?"

I jumped in the air and landed on top of my Grandpa, "Nooo!" I cried, "Charlie, you have to come with me to Candy Mountain! Charlie, Candy Mountain! It's a land of sweets and joy, and joyness." I started to jump a little, but not too much. I didn't want to hurt him and face the wrath of mommy.

"Please stop bouncing on me," he moaned. I didn't and just started singing, "Candy Mountain, Charlie! Candy Mountain!" until he finally said, "Alright fine, I'll go with you to Candy Mountain!"

So, I grabbed his hand in mine and I began to drag him into the forest.

"Um, Nessie?" Grandpa asked as we got farther into the green, "Where are we going?"

"Our first stop is over there, Charlie!" I cried, pointing to where Sammie was, in wolf form, sleeping. He looked a bit funny because I came here earlier and very gently painted pink polka-dots all over his nice black fur. But it wasn't as nice as my Jacob's. His was all fluffy.

Charlie hesitated. "Oh god, what _is_ that?"

"It's a painted werewolf, Charlie. A _magical_ painted werewolf. It's gonna guide our way to Candy Mountain!"

Sighing, Grandpa said, "Alright, Nessie, you know there is no actual Candy Mountain right?"

I stood in front of him, finger pointing at his face and I said (not too loudly so I didn't wake up Sammie), "Shun the non-believer! Shuuuunnn! Shhhhuuuuuunnnnnn!"

Charlie just raised his eyebrows at me. Then without warning, Sammie whimpered something in his sleep and pawed the air. "He has spoken!" I called, pulling Charlie along, "He has shown us the way!"

"But he didn't say anything!"

I didn't listen to him, and instead pulled him along until we reached a really big bridge that stretched across a portion of the river. "It's right over this bridge, Charlie. This magical bridge of hope and wonder!"

"Yeah, it's making me wonder why I didn't stop to get shoes before we left," he mumbled so that a normal human child wouldn't be able to hear, "Are you getting, like, _covered_ in splinters? Seriously sweetie, we shouldn't even be on this thing."

"Charlie...Charlie...Charlie..." I chanted.

Grandpa put his hand on my shoulder, "I'm right here. What do you want?"

"We're on a bridge Charlie!" Grandpa did a funny thing and did a thing that Jazzie calls a "facepalm". Now I finally know why. You put your _face_ in your _palm_. What a smart idea Jazzie.

It took us a while to cross the bridge but when we finally did, we found a pile of candy in the shape of a pyramid. "Well," Grandpa said, slightly amused, "What do you know? There is a Candy Mountain."

Then I saw two shapes come out of the trees. It was mommy and daddy! After a few hugs, daddy said, "Alice saw Grandpa Charlie looking for a Candy Mountain and so, since you were with him, we decided to make you a Candy Mountain."

I squealed and literally dove in, while mommy took Grandpa home and daddy stayed with me.

Back at the house, though, mommy told me that I could never ever go and take Grandpa into the forest by myself ever again 'cause it was "too dangerous" for us, since Charlie was a human. Mommy said he didn't like going, and I should apologize later to him. So I did.

But when I saw Jacob sleeping, I went up to him and said, "Hey Charlie. Hey, Charlie wake up."

**And that's the end of that chapter. I know it wasn't very Torturous (sp?) but I thought it would be kinda cute if Renesmee bugged Charlie, his name being Charlie and all.**

**Oh, and the part where she says that "Uncle Emm and Jazzie were shooting each other", she meant that they were doing paintball. Yeah, that's it. Just harmless paintball that won't be mentioned in a later chapter... And Sammie is Sam, just in case you were wondering.**

**Maybe later, if I get enough support, I'll do the second one as well. But first I need people to Clicky the purple button (or blue for some people that have computers with funny colors)**

**Clicky!**


	3. Everyone just loses it

**Oh my gosh I'm alive. It's crazy, right? Yeah…but anyway, I've decided to be nice and make a solid attempt about being better with updates. Considering my favorite author who almost never updates did so TWICE already…I guess that means I hafta now. Oh well. So yeah, got this idea from a dream I had a bit ago…more about that later. And it's in the third person, no special POV's.**

It was another normal(ish) day at the Cullen residence. Bella and Edward were being snuggly, Alice was flitting around while Jasper just hovered like an emo "so overcome by emotions" guy, Emmett was flexing at his reflection in the mirror, Jacob and Rosalie were fighting over a napping Renesmee, Esme was reading and Carlisle was at the hospital. Oh yes, a very normal day indeed.

But that all changed when Bella decided to take a now awake Renesmee to her cabin to lecture her.

See, Bella figured that her daughter was old enough to handle more "mature" subject matter so she would – on occasion – give her daughter various lectures that Renee had given her when she was about ages 12 – 15. Things like "the talk" and "the drug talk" and "the boys talk" (that one was from Edward) and "the peer pressure talk" and so on and so forth. So anyway, Bella decided to take her daughter into their cabin and give her the drug talk.

Right after she left, Carlisle came home and all hell broke loose.

"The cats…" he muttered, "The cats…This is maddening, insane! Where are my doughnuts? I need sustenance!"

Esme, worried about her hubby's sanity, _zoomed_ over and asked, "Carlisle, dear, what's wrong? Did something awful happen at work?"

He only replied with this: "What do you mean 'What's wrong'? Everything's fine. Just peachy. In fact, the monkeys are jumping on the piano and the cat is in the laundry basket."

This continued on for quite a bit while Emmett was losing his own mind only a few feet away…

"Babe," he called to Rosalie, "Do I look fat to you?"

"Fat?" she asked. "Why ever would you say that?"

"Because I _am_ fat." He whined very childishly, "I _am_ very fat."

Rosalie wouldn't take it. "Well if you are fat, then maybe we should fix that. How about wearing something you've never worn? I'd prefer it to be something that's torn…" She winked suggestively.

Emmett didn't understand, but he got the jist of what she was trying to say. "Be right back!" and five seconds later, he was.

And he was wearing Alice's clothes.

Now, some quick clarification for you all. Alice is the smallest member of the family – apart from Renesmee – and Emmett is the biggest. So having him wear Alice's clothes meant that he must have had to something _drastic_ to them in order to fit.

"What do you think of these leather pants Rose? Ooh, and how about the sequin tank?" he made various poses, most revolving around his butt, for Rosalie.

Rosalie looked him over. Then again, with her head cocked to one side. Again with her head cocked to the other side. Then she shrugged, and threw herself into his arms and began making out furiously with the transvestite body-builder vampire.

Now for Alice…

"Jasper?" she asked, flitting over to his side, "If I have powers, why aren't I a superhero?"

"A superhero?" he echoed. "Uhm, I'm not sure. Probably because you're a vampire, and superhero fights are always bloody." She seemed _very_ hurt at his words, so he added, "Besides, I'd always be worried. So to make sure you never got hurt, I'd keep you here for myself."

She giggled like a school girl. Jasper hugged her but was then overcome with Alice's feelings of mischief. "Uh oh…" he muttered so quietly that even Alice couldn't hear him.

After their hug, Alice pulled away and said to him, "Jasper, I've decided to become your own personal Spiderman…woman."

And off she went. She seemed to be doing fine, managing to leap far distances – but after all, she _is_ a vampire – and cling on to walls, but there was just one thing she was having issues with. Alice couldn't stand on the roof. She tried all right, but fell on her head almost every time, the exceptions being her butt, and once her feet. But nothing could discourage her, she was Spiderman…woman for crying out loud! A simple little fall could not discourage her! So Alice continued on falling.

Jasper knew she was pretty safe as long as she didn't go into the kitchen – which she wouldn't considering the fact that she never eats **(A/N: What an anorexic vampire)** – so he went over to see what Edward was doing.

Apparently Edward is more of a cruel person then you silly fangirls think.

He was making Jacob do tricks like a normal house pet. Just as Jasper went over to him, Edward called out, "Okay Jacob, shake a paw. That's it, shake a paw, shake a paw! _Good dog_! Yes, very good dog! Who's a good boy? Huh? Who's a very good boy?"

"Ooh! Ooh! I am! I am! I'm a good boy! Pick me Edward! Pick me!"

Edward leaned over and cooed at him, "Does the puppy want a treat? Does the puppy want a nummy nummy treat that he can Om nom nom?" Jake sat down on his haunches and wiggled his butt, considering he doesn't have a tail while he's human. He was handed a treat and he did, in fact, Om nom nom it.

Which is probably why I love Jacob so darn much.

Anyway, Jasper decided things were getting out of hand. Carlisle was still raving about cats causing Esme to beat herself with a spatula, Emmett was still wearing Alice's clothes and making out with Rose who would talk only in rhymes – and horrible ones, I might add – Alice was trying to stand on the ceiling and Edward was currently giving Jacob a belly-rub.

He figured he should go get Bella.

When Jasper finally brought the two newest female members of his family into the house and they saw what was going on, they couldn't say anything.

Then Renesmee pulled on Bella's sleeve and asked, "Mommy? Is this why you say drugs are bad?"

**Yay! The End! Happy now? I've updated for you all and I'm going to try to more often! But yeah…it was a really weird dream and that's pretty much what happened in it. Enough about that, time to clicky the little purple-**

**OHMIGOSH THE BUTTON'S DIFFERENT! I NEVER REALLY NOTICED UNTIL I ACTUALLY HAD TO WRITE IT DOWN! LE GASP!**


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